Its…really hard to put into words what I’m going through right now without sounding like a prissy drama whore. I’m pretty sure you get more than your fair share of these kinds of messages in your inbox on a daily basis, so I’ve pretty much declined from posting here all together until I’ve somehow ‘gotten over it’. Its been nearly two months now. I’ve gotten on and off it and on again and each time it gets especially more painful to bear that somehow, I just feel like doing something extreme. It might not be anytime soon, but the feeling gets stronger every time. I can’t even talk to anyone about it that would actually help me. So I’m letting it out here.

Putting it simply, I don’t really know what I’m doing anymore. I thought doing what everyone tells me to do would help me and keep them satisfied, but it doesn’t seem to be the case. You have no idea how frustrating it is forcing myself to listen to someone basically tell you that you’re retarded cause your family didn’t teach you the things you needed to learn and have no idea what you’re doing here because of that and, if God was merciful enough to get you a job, you wouldn’t last a day in it. Then after such a heartfelt peptalk, left to figure out everything yourself.

And then told you don’t do a damn thing after busting your ass keeping them appeased by keeping yourself busy. Maybe riding for a half hour on a bike so large you can’t even reach the pedals under 90 degrees of Florida heat in the middle of the day for three miles to a library, working at that library afterwards for four hours straight (sometimes even more), riding back after that, and doing the whole thing again at least five times a week might not sound like a lot. Oh no it wasn’t, that’s why I force myself to wake up at a baneful hour in the morning (fuck six- I decided to settle for seven since the sun comes out later now) just to hike around nowhere town right before doing all this some two hours later. Its such a comfort I’m not even getting paid for doing all this.

A job would be the best solution, but among all the applications I’ve applied for, not one has gotten back to me. The medical field is closed until I get my license, and it might be until next year before that happens. Maybe even longer if I somehow can’t even qualify. I’m not sure my sanity would last that long. I can’t even try out jobs for local jobs because of- in their excuse- transportation problems. I reiterate, middle of fucking nowhere. Oh, I haven’t told you how I have to spend hundreds of my meager savings just to lose fifty pounds to get in the service, have I. I lost fourteen or so already, but its an agonizingly slow process that’s really costing me per week.

So yes, I have been doing fine, thanks for asking. If I haven’t stabbed myself with a pair of scissors yet, I will get to finishing things sometime this year. Unless more bullshit comes up, then I’m pushing it aside in lieu of somehow quelling my inner rage with something else. If you think I’m taking too long or forgotten about it, by all means feel free to send me a note so I can put it back on my priority list. Not that its ever been off- I just haven’t gotten the kick I need to pick it up again. And I’ve never forgotten the kiribans, requests, and other things people were supposed to get from me, in case you were wondering.


~Taddle