Its…really hard to put into words what I’m going through right now without sounding like a prissy drama whore. I’m pretty sure you get more than your fair share of these kinds of messages in your inbox on a daily basis, so I’ve pretty much declined from posting here all together until I’ve somehow ‘gotten over it’. Its been nearly two months now. I’ve gotten on and off it and on again and each time it gets especially more painful to bear that somehow, I just feel like doing something extreme. It might not be anytime soon, but the feeling gets stronger every time. I can’t even talk to anyone about it that would actually help me. So I’m letting it out here.

Putting it simply, I don’t really know what I’m doing anymore. I thought doing what everyone tells me to do would help me and keep them satisfied, but it doesn’t seem to be the case. You have no idea how frustrating it is forcing myself to listen to someone basically tell you that you’re retarded cause your family didn’t teach you the things you needed to learn and have no idea what you’re doing here because of that and, if God was merciful enough to get you a job, you wouldn’t last a day in it. Then after such a heartfelt peptalk, left to figure out everything yourself.

And then told you don’t do a damn thing after busting your ass keeping them appeased by keeping yourself busy. Maybe riding for a half hour on a bike so large you can’t even reach the pedals under 90 degrees of Florida heat in the middle of the day for three miles to a library, working at that library afterwards for four hours straight (sometimes even more), riding back after that, and doing the whole thing again at least five times a week might not sound like a lot. Oh no it wasn’t, that’s why I force myself to wake up at a baneful hour in the morning (fuck six- I decided to settle for seven since the sun comes out later now) just to hike around nowhere town right before doing all this some two hours later. Its such a comfort I’m not even getting paid for doing all this.

A job would be the best solution, but among all the applications I’ve applied for, not one has gotten back to me. The medical field is closed until I get my license, and it might be until next year before that happens. Maybe even longer if I somehow can’t even qualify. I’m not sure my sanity would last that long. I can’t even try out jobs for local jobs because of- in their excuse- transportation problems. I reiterate, middle of fucking nowhere. Oh, I haven’t told you how I have to spend hundreds of my meager savings just to lose fifty pounds to get in the service, have I. I lost fourteen or so already, but its an agonizingly slow process that’s really costing me per week.

So yes, I have been doing fine, thanks for asking. If I haven’t stabbed myself with a pair of scissors yet, I will get to finishing things sometime this year. Unless more bullshit comes up, then I’m pushing it aside in lieu of somehow quelling my inner rage with something else. If you think I’m taking too long or forgotten about it, by all means feel free to send me a note so I can put it back on my priority list. Not that its ever been off- I just haven’t gotten the kick I need to pick it up again. And I’ve never forgotten the kiribans, requests, and other things people were supposed to get from me, in case you were wondering.


~Taddle

Hallo all you happy people. How’s yer momma? Haven’t been around for a while. I had my reasons. Two-thirds of it are good…one third only slightly better.

The two thirds were computer trouble. That aside from my lack of one, but on the 20th I finally got my new Sony Vaio AND IT IS AWESOME. Superior to the old one in every way –wider screen, crisper imagery, moar diskspace, Vista, which I guess is alright- save for a lack of Bluetooth and an extra partition, but I’ll live without it. And somehow I managed to screw up a brand new computer in just a few days. Sometime after trying to install Reader on it, it started crashing every now and then. Been spending the last few days scanning, defragging, cleaning, uninstalling all the craploads of crap I already installed, and it -still- crashes! I was just going to wipe the whole damn thing clean and start over if it weren’t for the fact that laptops no longer come with installation CDs and I had no clue how to do that.

And then Viz the wonder techie comes along and tells me a Vista update has been screwing it up this entire time. Not me…a damn update, which is supposed to be good. *slaps forehead* So hopefully its stopped this madness and I can actually get some work done. I <3 u, Viz, yer amazing btw. Never would have figured that out. ^^

The other one third of me not being here was getting re-addicted to Flyff. Games- they is not healthy to I. >.< Currently a LV 36 Assist. I started when they had this endless EXP event and got lots of cool stuffs every time I leveled up. XD

…I got my driver’s license! Well, it’s a learner’s permit technically…BUT I CAN DRIVES NAO. …Kinda. I mean, I’d need someone to sit with me and still need to practice driving automatic. And aunt and uncle kinda work most of the time so there’s really never really time to actually drive anywhere…BUT I COULD IF THERE WAS AND THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS. <3333

And the weirdest thing happened to me some days ago, I’m still trying to get over it. One day, a woman with a last name the same as mine added me on Facebook. I thought she was just collecting people who had the same last name, so I didn’t think much of it until she messaged me the next day, asking if I happened to be her brother’s sister. Freaky thing about it was that her brother’s name was –exactly- the same as my dads, except my dad’s suffix is Jr. and her brother’s is III. I asked her to verify if they were really related, and she rattled on a list of stuff that were undeniable facts about my dad. It pretty much drove the final nail in when the guy sent me a picture of him and my parents together. X_X So…in a nutshell, I found my step brother. At least I knew my dad was married twice before finally settling with my mom- that much my mom had the decency to tell me. <.< And I’ve known him when I was like…three or four, although its still pretty hazy and he’d stopped visiting when I got older, but I never knew we were related. And apparently I have, like…three more sisters from my dad’s first marriage, older than my stepbrother (and he’s like…28 now?), though neither of us know who they are.

And now I’m having mixed feelings about the whole thing- I’m glad I finally know the truth, but if I’d never left the Philippines, I would have never known a thing about my family, and that makes me feel…cheated. Something like cheated, but in a more depressed way. I figured everything about my dad’s past died along with him, since no one from his side seems to be alive and he’s an only child and no one seems to think its something vitally important for me to know. And I’ve –always- wanted to know more about my dad. My aunt was the one who told me everything- how she and my mom shared the same dad (they’re stepsisters), the conflict they had to go through because of it, how she was the one that introduced my dad to her (can’t believe my dad actually started as her cop friend), and a myriad of other things that very neatly filled the holes in my knowledge. She goes and tells me that dad was really unsatisfied with his marriages before mom, so now I’m unsure if there’s still some antipathy existing in that side. My stepbro seemed genuinely happy to have finally found us after fourteen years, so not sure.

Anyway, moving back to arts. Should be able to get back into it soon enough and finish things. Maybe practice doing some Flash stuff, too. Photoshop is being an ass though. When I started using it again, it would freeze up for some time after doing a few strokes on the canvas. Not sure how to fix that part up, but hopefully it’ll resolve itself when I reinstall it again.

*goes back to playing Flyff awhile*

~Taddle

*sigh* There's a time when you shouldn't give up if you could help it, doing your best until the very end. And there's a time when you just haveta throw in the towel.

Because I didn't want my opponent to be continually winning by default, I decided to try at least one super-rific page just to give her a fair challenge. About seven hours of devotion, and it was honestly looking spectacular. BUT. I started saving it one last time, and the damn computer SHUT DOWN. In the middle of saving. So...I open the file and come face to face with one blank layer were about ten layers should have been. Sooo....fuck it. But at least I've learned that comic competitions aren't really my cup of coffee. I'm far too meticulous- just one panel takes hours of attention, and half-arsed comics really drive me up the wall, even if it was all I can do in the short time period. Maybe could try again using this nifty Flash someone was nice enough to share with me. Thank yoooooouuu~<3

Well, my circumstances can't be helped- this computer isn't as great performance-wise compared to my laptop. Which is now officially dead. After waiting unnecessarily for weeks, and dealing with my uncle's veiled threats to sue for the lousy work (Man, was he pissed because they kept putting off fixing it everytime I called to check. And he's NEVER pissed. Which made it even scarier. o_o; ), they finally came out and told me that the thing was irreparable unless I paid for a new motherboard. Which is annoying because the day I was supposed to get it back, it was working okay, and then it got busted again for who knows what. They said they could repair it for three hundred bucks. Everyone else was like, “Screw it. Just buy a new one.” Which I did. After waiting for a week for my new debit card. Figures the time I change it was a day right before I knew about this.

Don't buy stuff online. Do research on the site first and make sure its really trustworthy. Lesson I should've learned before agreeing to shady deals. <.<

~Taddle

...But now its starting to sound like a mighty fine deal.

All you homies down here in the state-side really have a taste for blood.I figured my thousand dollar budget would keep me out of trouble for a while, but unfortunately I've run into a number of unforeseen occurrences. Details as follows: passport replacement (because it completely disappeared for God knows where, why or how), birth certificate replacement (because the passport was my only US gov. issued document and somehow the one I came over with was never returned to me through all those airport trips. Mom kept the other one for some reason. *facepalm*), driving school course, diet plans (okay, this one was a bit of a splurge, but necessary since I won't be accepted in the army at my current weight), nursing continuing education lessons (for the damned licensing), and finally, the accursed laptop and its ridiculous 200+ repair fee. All those above ranged around 50 dollar purchases (cept the laptop, which did have a 60 dollar service fee initially and and additional 25 dollars to get the viruses out. On top of the 200 for the repair. Are you fucking kidding me?), not including the little personal things I have to buy for myself, which only constitute a fraction of everything else in total. And now I need to complete these things for my Florida license, including credential evaluation, the NCLEX examination and what other processing fees I have to pay. The credential evaluation alone cost some 300 dollars on its own. >.>;;

Its funny how you try to get a job to get money. But then you can't get a job unless you spend money to get the job you needed to get money from in the first place. What an amazing paradox.

So to put it in perspective, I think I'm going to need to get financial assistance elsewhere than what I wasted four years to learn. ~Vadris kindly suggested I start making some five dollar sketch commissions as a start, which seems like a good idea, assuming five dollars (or six fifty for those Paypal whosamabobbers) isn't too much for a loose drawing of my caliber. Something like this: [link] or this: [link] or maybe even this (its hard to tell with all the color there): [link] . And hey, I'm not going to be picky this time and say that it can be -anything-. Head shot, waist-up, full-bodied, big small, tiny, gigantor, plain or overly complicated...no prob! They're all five dollars! Except when you want to add another character into the same picture...that's an extra 2 dollars (I'm totally not doubling it. Its even less than half!). How about a reference sheet? I could totally do those, too (though I haven't made reference sheets that have so far satisfied me aesthetically, but has all the basic necessities down. If anyone is interested, they could let me know and I could attempt one for a fair price). And because I can get those done pretty quickly, I can save time for the hundreds of other important things I need to do (cause everyone else is of no help me). Worth a shot.

In other news, everything is all honky-dory, but EXTREMELY boring. My cousins are both in Miami (one went for collage, the other is keeping her company until classes start again), aunt goes out to work, uncle...well, he has his own important businesses to deal with. It doesn't help that the house is in the middle of a vast and lonely stretch of land , with the nearest market complex a good few miles down the road and no source of public transit to pass by. I could just drive....but then the passport thing took my birth certificate so it could process a new one and the DMV office won't let me take the driving test unless I had at least one of those. Talk about adding insult to injury. >.> Still haven't found the fucking thing anywhere, even after we turned the whole house upside down and searched along every conceivable pathway where it might have dropped. Aunt's pushing me to get a job so not to waste time while we're waiting, but its like every job I look up is being blocked because I don't have this certain certification or whatnot. And getting the requirements for these certifications take almost as long as everything else. Its a bit stressing on what to do first and no one to help me out with it. And sort of complicated with the commissions I need to do and the other stuff (like the Field of Dreams tourney) which need finishing. And doing it instead of dropping out (like a normal-minded person would) because I -want- to do them. I still love drawing. I do want to improve, and spend some time learning a new way to draw or color, but time never seems to be a thing I have anymore. Its making me cranky!

Mebbeh I should try being a minimum wage burger-flipper?

~Taddle