I never really got Christmas, now that I think about it. It is the season to celebrate peace and humanity, but it always felt like, to me, the only time of the year people would actually be –nice-. And only because the holiday ‘demands’ it, cause any other day people wouldn’t give a shit. Why should goodwill only be restricted to Christmas? Moreso why would people bother at all if they won’t practice it for any other time in the year? Sort of makes it all pointless. Its more or less an excuse to get free crap. The concept of ‘Wish Lists’ is also a bit annoying if they’re limited to the person’s ability to fulfill it, so most of the time the things people list are materialistic in nature and ‘within a reasonable budget’. The backwards thing about it is that people –expect- these gifts. EXPECT. GIFTS. Christmas is ruined without them!

…well, obviously. But on a seriously personal note, I don’t see it being very Christmasy. Quite shallow, actually. A tangible object is the only proof of consideration, apparently. The fact that it ‘must’ be celebrated when the spirit and the reason behind it is lost makes it just as meaningless.

Ohyeah… people are bugging me what I want for Christmas. Ehh…I can only think of two things I wish for: 1. a job; and 2. my own place. But those are obviously beyond everyone’s capabilities, so I say get me what you think I’d like. It’s the thought that counts, after all, and I’m not too picky with gifts. All I ever got was cash (which wasn’t so bad, either, *cough* <.<; )

~Taddle

Heyos. Haven’t updated in a while, huh. Well, it’d be worth updating if your life wasn’t trapped in limbo in a static loop for months on end. But I digress.

Thanksgiving…wasn’t great. The food was, however. I’ve apparently had an epiphany on what it would take to be a humble human being. …Actually, I was yelled at for making a major faux pas in from of my other aunt and her guest and for clogging to toilet. I love clogging the toilet just to get people pissed off at me. These upper-crust people take everything so damn seriously they’d rather spend money getting a plumber to fix something they can do on their own if they just stopped worrying about their pretty manicured nails long enough to pick up the damn plunger. And then blame it on the perpetrator. It’s hilarious realizing how people can actually afford to be so superficial. Unfortunately, those people would be the people I’m forced to live with right now, so there’s really not much to do other than ‘do as Romans do’.

On the bright side, the evaluation that took three whole months to complete finally came back. And they gave me the green light to apply for a nursing license. Like I always knew I would. Damn aunt making me worried I might need to take extra classes or something cause her stupid friends had to. Now its just a month or so of preparing for the test which will hopefully go without a problem as well. Wish me luck.

Uhm…I got more involved in Legacy (RPG. JOIN. [link] ). Although a number of other things seems to have popped up to grab my attention. I wish I had more inspiration to draw, though. It just seems like the most boring thing in the world, or that I feel that every time I pick up the pen, I should be doing something else. …Meh.

Also, I spent an hour earlier today rearranging my gallery, putting scraps where they should be, organizing pictures to different categories, etc., to the point where my featured deviations fill three pages and its easier for me to find shit without browsing through eight. Done mostly for portfolio purposes, on the occasion someone artsy drops by (don’t ask why in the hell I would think anyone serious about art would bother with this crap). Everything else is in categories. Yay organization!

I’m…going to try getting more commissions. I don’t want to mention or advertise it until the ones I have right now are through (and should be done by the end of the year, or so help me…. Its taking a lot of effort to get back to them when I have all this free time to complete them. Considering all the tests (and additional education courses) I’m paying, some source of income would be pretty good right now. Paying money to make money. Ridiculous.

Uhhmm…I haven’t felt so lonely lately.

And support my pal's new album launching this December: [link]

~Taddle

Mostly wanted to get rid of my ranting journal cause no one cares about that. My situation hasn’t changed, but I’ll keep it out of everyone’s faces.

ANYWAY. IMPORTANT. I have a cool pal named Trav (he has a Devpage he rarely checks out though: ) and he’s been dishing out these mad tunes like no one’s business. The album he’s been getting together is just full of rockin’ beats, cool guitar riffs, slammin’ bass and drums and…WELL, JUST LISTEN TO IT.

[link]

It has a pretty varied taste in genres, from industrial, to punk metal, hard rock, etc. with a certain taste towards fans of catchy themes from games like Sonic from days of old. If you be diggin’ it, go an be tellin’ yer pals about Bluefusion and their latest album, Android Anarchy, which will hopefully be released earlier than at the end of next year. XD

Taddle sponsorship = 100% ILU

_{Btw, Left Alone, Force and The World Below (2012) are like my superfavorites so far. XD}


~Taddle

Its…really hard to put into words what I’m going through right now without sounding like a prissy drama whore. I’m pretty sure you get more than your fair share of these kinds of messages in your inbox on a daily basis, so I’ve pretty much declined from posting here all together until I’ve somehow ‘gotten over it’. Its been nearly two months now. I’ve gotten on and off it and on again and each time it gets especially more painful to bear that somehow, I just feel like doing something extreme. It might not be anytime soon, but the feeling gets stronger every time. I can’t even talk to anyone about it that would actually help me. So I’m letting it out here.

Putting it simply, I don’t really know what I’m doing anymore. I thought doing what everyone tells me to do would help me and keep them satisfied, but it doesn’t seem to be the case. You have no idea how frustrating it is forcing myself to listen to someone basically tell you that you’re retarded cause your family didn’t teach you the things you needed to learn and have no idea what you’re doing here because of that and, if God was merciful enough to get you a job, you wouldn’t last a day in it. Then after such a heartfelt peptalk, left to figure out everything yourself.

And then told you don’t do a damn thing after busting your ass keeping them appeased by keeping yourself busy. Maybe riding for a half hour on a bike so large you can’t even reach the pedals under 90 degrees of Florida heat in the middle of the day for three miles to a library, working at that library afterwards for four hours straight (sometimes even more), riding back after that, and doing the whole thing again at least five times a week might not sound like a lot. Oh no it wasn’t, that’s why I force myself to wake up at a baneful hour in the morning (fuck six- I decided to settle for seven since the sun comes out later now) just to hike around nowhere town right before doing all this some two hours later. Its such a comfort I’m not even getting paid for doing all this.

A job would be the best solution, but among all the applications I’ve applied for, not one has gotten back to me. The medical field is closed until I get my license, and it might be until next year before that happens. Maybe even longer if I somehow can’t even qualify. I’m not sure my sanity would last that long. I can’t even try out jobs for local jobs because of- in their excuse- transportation problems. I reiterate, middle of fucking nowhere. Oh, I haven’t told you how I have to spend hundreds of my meager savings just to lose fifty pounds to get in the service, have I. I lost fourteen or so already, but its an agonizingly slow process that’s really costing me per week.

So yes, I have been doing fine, thanks for asking. If I haven’t stabbed myself with a pair of scissors yet, I will get to finishing things sometime this year. Unless more bullshit comes up, then I’m pushing it aside in lieu of somehow quelling my inner rage with something else. If you think I’m taking too long or forgotten about it, by all means feel free to send me a note so I can put it back on my priority list. Not that its ever been off- I just haven’t gotten the kick I need to pick it up again. And I’ve never forgotten the kiribans, requests, and other things people were supposed to get from me, in case you were wondering.


~Taddle

Hallo all you happy people. How’s yer momma? Haven’t been around for a while. I had my reasons. Two-thirds of it are good…one third only slightly better.

The two thirds were computer trouble. That aside from my lack of one, but on the 20th I finally got my new Sony Vaio AND IT IS AWESOME. Superior to the old one in every way –wider screen, crisper imagery, moar diskspace, Vista, which I guess is alright- save for a lack of Bluetooth and an extra partition, but I’ll live without it. And somehow I managed to screw up a brand new computer in just a few days. Sometime after trying to install Reader on it, it started crashing every now and then. Been spending the last few days scanning, defragging, cleaning, uninstalling all the craploads of crap I already installed, and it -still- crashes! I was just going to wipe the whole damn thing clean and start over if it weren’t for the fact that laptops no longer come with installation CDs and I had no clue how to do that.

And then Viz the wonder techie comes along and tells me a Vista update has been screwing it up this entire time. Not me…a damn update, which is supposed to be good. *slaps forehead* So hopefully its stopped this madness and I can actually get some work done. I <3 u, Viz, yer amazing btw. Never would have figured that out. ^^

The other one third of me not being here was getting re-addicted to Flyff. Games- they is not healthy to I. >.< Currently a LV 36 Assist. I started when they had this endless EXP event and got lots of cool stuffs every time I leveled up. XD

…I got my driver’s license! Well, it’s a learner’s permit technically…BUT I CAN DRIVES NAO. …Kinda. I mean, I’d need someone to sit with me and still need to practice driving automatic. And aunt and uncle kinda work most of the time so there’s really never really time to actually drive anywhere…BUT I COULD IF THERE WAS AND THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS. <3333

And the weirdest thing happened to me some days ago, I’m still trying to get over it. One day, a woman with a last name the same as mine added me on Facebook. I thought she was just collecting people who had the same last name, so I didn’t think much of it until she messaged me the next day, asking if I happened to be her brother’s sister. Freaky thing about it was that her brother’s name was –exactly- the same as my dads, except my dad’s suffix is Jr. and her brother’s is III. I asked her to verify if they were really related, and she rattled on a list of stuff that were undeniable facts about my dad. It pretty much drove the final nail in when the guy sent me a picture of him and my parents together. X_X So…in a nutshell, I found my step brother. At least I knew my dad was married twice before finally settling with my mom- that much my mom had the decency to tell me. <.< And I’ve known him when I was like…three or four, although its still pretty hazy and he’d stopped visiting when I got older, but I never knew we were related. And apparently I have, like…three more sisters from my dad’s first marriage, older than my stepbrother (and he’s like…28 now?), though neither of us know who they are.

And now I’m having mixed feelings about the whole thing- I’m glad I finally know the truth, but if I’d never left the Philippines, I would have never known a thing about my family, and that makes me feel…cheated. Something like cheated, but in a more depressed way. I figured everything about my dad’s past died along with him, since no one from his side seems to be alive and he’s an only child and no one seems to think its something vitally important for me to know. And I’ve –always- wanted to know more about my dad. My aunt was the one who told me everything- how she and my mom shared the same dad (they’re stepsisters), the conflict they had to go through because of it, how she was the one that introduced my dad to her (can’t believe my dad actually started as her cop friend), and a myriad of other things that very neatly filled the holes in my knowledge. She goes and tells me that dad was really unsatisfied with his marriages before mom, so now I’m unsure if there’s still some antipathy existing in that side. My stepbro seemed genuinely happy to have finally found us after fourteen years, so not sure.

Anyway, moving back to arts. Should be able to get back into it soon enough and finish things. Maybe practice doing some Flash stuff, too. Photoshop is being an ass though. When I started using it again, it would freeze up for some time after doing a few strokes on the canvas. Not sure how to fix that part up, but hopefully it’ll resolve itself when I reinstall it again.

*goes back to playing Flyff awhile*

~Taddle