So…its been three days since we found my dad dead in the bathroom. Who would have known preparing and grieving a dead guy could be so…draining? Seriously. We barely had time to do anything else, getting everything ready, signing various forms and death permits, renting out a chapel and arranging the cremation. Or at least my mom has…she’s dead on her feet (Ha. The body count rises.). For us youngins (whom she doesn’t trust us with even a modicum of responsibility), we simply had to live in the chapel for the rest of the three days, grieving (or at least pretending to grieve) for the departed. Just today they finished the cremation and now he’s a pile of ashes in a fairly simple yet elegant urn somewhere in the house (who knows were mom stole it away to) and now we’re allowed to go back to our lives.

And all I have felt throughout all this is nothing more than a numbing emptiness. I loved my dad, maybe not as much as my mother did, which is why I’m not an emotional mess right now. Or maybe it’s just that I understand that it was his time and have accepted that. But there were times when I couldn’t sleep, when I kept thinking of seeing his body there and feel some part of me mourning, but I just can’t find the ability to do so. I –want- to, but I can’t feel enough to. And I don’t want to, because I’m not sure how well I can stand emotionally after that. I’m supposed to be studying now…it seems pointless. Everything seems pointless. And yet again I feel like the loneliest person in the world.

I appreciate those that offered their sympathies and a place to run to when I needed it. Really, I do. I’d want nothing more than to unburden myself right now (hey, that’s what journals are partially for, right?), but I feel that would only be more of a bother to you guys than comfort for me. Heh. Guess I’m just too much of those ‘I’m-so-needlessly-paranoid-and- insecure-no-one-could-possibly- understand-or-care-what-I’m- feeling-right-now’ types to ask for help. So biting it, like I always do.

Or maybe it’s a lot less of my dad’s passing and more of something else I’m struggling to terms with. It’s too personal to mention here.

Sorry, no art yet. Maybe soon, maybe later. But definitely after I get some proper sleep, which I haven’t been able to get for three days. I think what pissed me off most was that I broke my new diet and exercise plan I was going on sometime prior to the incident. I was determined to try to lose weight –this- time. >.>; Guess I’ll have to work harder for those three days. And goreblimey, when your muscles get incredibly sore after doing just a few minutes worth of jumping rope, walking a treadmill, push-ups on a table and very light ab crunches, you KNOW its time to straighten up. *dies too*

Oh. And mom just told me she'll be getting my computer cords back tomorrow. Well, isn't that just fucking peachy.

~Taddle